Monica C: It's Not Ok; A Story of Rape, Drug Addiction and Recovery

Monica C: It's Not Ok; A Story of Rape, Drug Addiction and Recovery

Hello, my name is Monica C. I first noticed the Beautiful Disaster line on Facebook. I ordered a couple of bandanas and love the concept. It's about time a line that actually comes from someone with some depth. (Just my opinion)

So, I'm writing in to share my story. I am from Cincinnati, Ohio and I'm 42 yrs old. I am currently in recovery and have been for many years. And honestly, not by choice. Not at first at least!

Both of my parents are/were addicts. My father is still living and is 3 years clean. My mother was an addict; she was killed when I was 9 years old. I basically raised myself. I lived with my mom until her passing. In my eyes she did the best she could with what she had to work with. I loved her with every breath in my body. Yeah there were times that shit wasn't right, I was molested by my uncle and also by my grandpa. And I was left unsupervised at times but I just wanted to be with my mom! Thats all that mattered to me! She sometimes would disappear for a week, sometimes a couple so I made sure to be her shadow at all times because I was afraid she would leave and not come back...AND THEN SHE DIDN'T! I was told it was an accidental shooting during an altercation going on between my step-dad and her drug dealer!  Nobody was really charged in her death and that was that! 
 
So, I'm then shipped off to one of my aunts, then another and then another. Eventually making my way to live with my dad, who I really didn't even know. A new world, a new school, new family members, new rules...AND A VERY PISSED OFF LITTLE GIRL, WHO'S MOTHER WAS JUST RIPPED FROM HER LIFE AND ALL THESE MOTHER FUCKERS TELLING ME ITS ALL GOING TO BE OK! Well, it wasn't going to be ok. I absolutely hated everyone and everything! I was fucking devastated!
 
My dad turned out to be an asshole. He shacked up with some chick with a bunch of kids, moved us in with them and he went to jail. Here we go again. (My step mother ended up becoming one of the best friends I've ever had before she passed of pancreatic cancer) 
 
Ok...with all of that being said here's where I decided to go with life:
 My dad threw me out at about 17 for being a hateful jerk. I can admit that today. So off to the races I went. I had my first Vicodin at age 22 and fell madly in love. I think from that moment on I didn't go 1 day for the next 15 years without an opioid in my body. I stuck with the pills...Percocet, Vicodin and Oxy for first few years and then I found my true love, HERION. This was a love affair that would take me into worlds I couldn't have imagined. You don't know the lows you're capable of until you've reached them. I had great jobs, wonderful relationships, many opportunities but my love wouldn't allow me happiness. I became a tornado in the lives of everyone I knew. I told unspeakable lies to jobs because I had been up for 4 days smoking crack and need just one more. I lost the most important person I would ever meet in life, myself! I wanted to no longer exist.
 
Many times I would try to O.D. while begging God to take me. I hated me and wanted to never feel again. It started with the pills when I was about 24. That lasted possibly a year...then the strongest pills money can buy! I had a bad hangover and a friend offered me some Oxycontin and I fell in love! Where had you been my whole life!?! I was a tornado in everyone's life! Anyone I came into contact with, you better believe I had motive. In some way it would benefit me! And I didn't care how it affected them. I lost a great job, in and out of jail. DUI when I was 19, and one when I was 21. I also drank like a fish, drove, did whatever I the hell I wanted really! The last jail sentence did it for me, but I'll get to that.  So something like an Oxycontin isn't always available...Heroin is! I tried heroin and again I fell in absolute love! I would beg, borrow and steal to get high each and every day for about 15 yrs. It's the hardest job I've ever worked in my life quite honestly! I look back and wonder how in the hell I did it. To be able to come up with money every day to get high on just seems impossible. AND TODAY IT IS IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I WANT TO LIVE! AND TO GET HIGH WOULD GO AGAINST EVERYTHING I STAND FOR! I DID THINGS THAT I WOULD HAVE NEVER, EVER IMAGINED TO GET HIGH. THINGS THAT CHANGED ME AS A PERSON, BUT TODAY NONE OF THAT BULLSHIT MATTERS!
 
I AM WORTHY, I AM BEAUTIFUL & I AM LOVED! I will do whatever it takes to keep what I have! I have a GORGEOUS, amazing wife along w/ 2 great step children and my life is everything I've ever dreamed of and more. Thanks for letting me share my story! 
 
#BEAUTIFULDISASTERATITSBEST

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Comments

Kristina September 3 2019

Your story gives me hope for myself. I’m new in recovery. I have just a few weeks clean. Heroin has been my best friend for far too long. I just lost my mom. She was killed by a lethal dose of several different drugs administered by the man who raised me. I don’t want to die. I want to live again. Thank you for sharing.