One of the things about having a life that is considered "harder than the norm" is not wanting to always see me as a victim. I used to see it as a sign of weakness, that I wasn't meant for this world if I could only be a victim in a situation. In fact, I did everything in my power for a long time not to be seen that way, which apparently did more harm than good. I was allowing people to treat me poorly because I wouldn't accept being on the receiving end of something wrong. I needed control of my own fate, and lying to myself is how I did it.
One of the most valuable life lessons that I've learned as an adult is: 
It's okay to be in the victim in a situation, not everything that happens to you is your fault.
Then I had to deal with an abusive situation. It was time to break up with my boyfriend at the time. I was breaking up with him because I was no longer happy with him calling me derogatory names all the time, and he wanted me to sign a document stating I'd give him money to leave the apartment otherwise he was going to stay. I didn't want to sign, so he proceeds to push past me, throwing me on the couch nearby, and tried to destroy my work computer because a part inside of it was replaced by him.
I retreated into the bedroom with my mom where I grabbed a hammer and was ready to smash his head in if I'm being perfectly honest but my mother, being wiser than me and noted he was 3 times my side, kept me in the bedroom and called 911.
I remember the shakiness of speaking to the 911 rep as we heard the living room being destroyed on the other side of the door. I didn't cry, that was the detail I remember the most vividly as my voice shook, describing where we lived and what was going on. It feels like the time between the cops catching my ex trying to drive away and sitting with the officer seems like a blur.
That day I accepted I was a victim in the situation I simultaneously grew a backbone in the process. Admitting that I was the victim of something made me feel stronger and more empowered to get out of toxic relationships because they can become physical. To speak up for myself and not reward people for maltreating me and realizing they were doing it because they were intimidated and insecure themselves. 
This was my Beautiful Disaster. This is what makes me a Beautiful Disaster.

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December 26, 2019