Beautiful Disaster... What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger... Hating Me Won't Make You Pretty... These statements... These words... Mean so much to me!!! I had a rough upbringing oldest and only daughter of 4 kiddos. A Mom with mental illness, my Dad was an alcoholic... I could go on and on about everything they did wrong and every tragic event, short coming struggle etc. but everything I have been through has helped me grow into the woman that I am today. I am an empath that has an old soul that literally loves the shit out of life.
Everything that has hurt me that has nearly killed me that has put me through Hell and back has only made me more and more passionate about life... I have been called a Phoenix and even though I have my own personal struggles and battles that challenge me on a daily basis I continue to grow. If I told you everything I have been through like a lot of people that know me you would be amazed I still stand, find reasons to smile and am here today. We all have endured something at some point in our lives. This is the worst part of mine... I was told I wasn't going to have children at the age of 16 but here I am today a Mother of 7 Beautiful Children... that is where the Phoenix comes in and what makes me feel like a Beautiful Disaster.
My Best Dreams are also what has caused my Worst Nightmares. I have been with the love of my life "My Handsome Devil" since just before my 17th birthday going on 19 years this year, and like every relationship it has had it's ups and downs. But we have always found a way and been a team. We started having children first our little miracle, our son almost 16 years ago Daymion. I was told I had pre cancer cells on my cervix and to terminate because it will get worse... I refused and took my chances made it 36 weeks with a high risk pregnancy all natural of course... surgery... a couple miscarriages later we were blessed with another precious Angel Izzybella and another blessing the next year with our precious Angel Sinaya, but that Beautiful story turned to tragedy...
Only Three weeks and a day after having Sinaya I was on my way home with Izzybella and Sinaya from a healthy doctors appointment and my vehicle caught fire under my Daughters feet behind my seat... A Mothers worst nightmare and despite my desperate attempts to saving my Precious Daughters I failed...
Miraculously the only man that got out of his vehicle when I begged yelled pleaded and screamed for God or anybody to HELP ME saved me because when I went back in for another attempt (it was too late) I had no intentions of coming back out that man Saved Me. He reminded me I had a son because his very first question was "how many children do you have?" that one question made a life saving difference... he could have only asked how many children are in your vehicle or just kept me away but he didn't he not only attempted himself to go into a burning vehicle just to tell me what I already knew because I seen my Babies take Their last breath's but as he held me screaming kicking crying he reminded me I still have a child that I have to be strong for.
I died with my Beautiful Babies that day.
The external scars healed but mentally and emotionally I will forever be broken and damaged but at the same time very Blessed. My Babies healed me there are no more cancer cells on my cervix and I have been Blessed with 4 more Babies Naturelle was conceived shortly after tragically losing My Daughters, then Izayah with a couple more miscarriages I had Loveleigh and then Nirvana. I have been Blessed with 7 Beautiful Healthy Babies given birth all naturally to babies weighing from 6 lbs 14 oz to 9 lbs 11.2 oz even though high risk all naturally no pain meds, everything life has thrown at me I give it all I got.
No one can replace the emptiness I feel not having Izzybella and Sinaya here, and the broken pieces of me just simply can not be fixed, but the part of me that has a love for life and a passion to live life to its fullest still exists.
Even though I have my battles with PTSD and have survived suicide attempts and thoughts I have turned my weaknesses into strengths.
I Love being a Mommy it is a dream come true. I try to help others even when I need to be saved myself. I live in the moment and I have learned to no longer hate myself which is why I ordered 2 of the "Hating Me Won't Make You Pretty" shirts and have grown to love every flaw which makes me the "Beautiful Disaster" that I am. That number 13 black cat Beautiful Disaster shirt with the giant heart has so many meanings to me it is one of my favorite shirts that I wear... I have been judged I have been hated on but at the end of the day people have their opinions and criticizing judgements but that is on them, but when you look in the mirror and literally hate the person you are you no longer feel pretty you become your own worst enemy and when I wear my shirts with these statements I reflect on how far I have came and even though I can't completely heal I sometimes see that spark in my eyes of the strength I carry and am proud of how far I have came because "What doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger" has became a way of life for me.... I have been living by the motto of "My Life Is Perfectly Imperfect". Thank you for your clothing line it is Awesomeness .
Added to the story: On Halloween 2014 my husband and I were married at Our Daughters graveside our Officient was dressed as a Vampire and my Bridesmaids and Flower Girl were dressed as Butterflies and my Dude of Honor was dressed in a self made Victorian tux. My Husband and his groomsmen were Handsome Dudes/Devils in their tuxes. Everyone came in costume. Maybe this picture is meant for my story because my wedding day I was literally a dead bride I was very frail and unhealthy didn't know I was pregnant and had just found out that summer that my broken heart was literally broken. I feel like I died on my wedding day and odd statement that not many understand. It was 7 years after my Daughters died and it was when I fell into the worst depression that lasted for 18 months but it was much needed, because I feel that death of who I was, was the rebirth of who I am today.