I was 5 years old and he was 13, that's where it all started. I didn't tell because he was a "good mormon boy" from a "good mormon family" who would ever believe me.


No little girl should feel so grown up as to know that her mother would not believe her being abused. That was my childhood, I raised my mother. I continued in my life to make excuses, accept the abuse and laugh or joke it off as normal. I have been let down by every male in my life. 


Daddy's little girl became a "bitch" at age 16 because I had apparently become a woman. At age 23, I was a whore because I placed my son up for adoption. And at age 32, I was a slut that was cheating on my then husband (which I was a faithful wife). When my daughter was a year old this so called father called her hi "little girl" and I snatched her from him and walked away. I have not talked to him or seen him since. I refuse to have my little girls heart broken the way mine was from the first man that "ever loved me."


When I got out of the military and returned home I was 27 years old. My "mom" decided to inform me that I was the result of rape. My "dad" had raped her and my grandma forced the marriage. I always wondered why I felt like I was not wanted. Now I knew. Or did I. I had my doubts...until;
Being nice to a fellow navy spouse (male) led to him sexually abusing me. Charges were pressed but since he didn't shove his dirty cock into my vagina there was not enough "evidence". When telling my so called "dad" he informed me that I led him on and deserved it.


This broke my spirit and I was empty. It was a few months later that the one man I thought would never make me feel unsafe or alone, took my soul from me and I died. He held me down and raped me, while I cried and said no, he forced himself onto me. A husband should never make his wife feel so hollow and yet there I was, shattered into a million pieces. Counselors told me it was "normal" for a man to assert himself after an assault. Another told me that I needed to take responsibility for my part in it. That I didn't stop it either, that I let it happen.
I am a Beautiful Disaster that is working to overcome the stigma of victim shaming and assault for most of my life.


This year I took my self love and confidence back. I am learning to heal and live with purity and love. I am leaving all the toxic people behind me. I am still working on learning who I am since I let others define that for me for so long. But I know that I am going to be okay. I am loved, even if it is just by myself. I am okay with that. 


Most of my life I thought that even if I said no, that I didn't have a choice. The above is only a glimpse of the sexual, emotional and physical abuse that I endured. I escaped into a fairytale world with rose colored glasses on to shield myself from the evil in my world and I believe my prince would save me. It turns out my hero was me all along. 


Thank you for reading my story. No woman or man should ever endure abuse, never accept that it is something you could have avoided or changed. You can not predict the actions of another and you can not change another person's behavior. If you are being abused in any way; sexually, physically, emotionally, bullying or cyber-bullying or any other way please find someone to talk to and find your pathway to healing. Only YOU can determine the healing path, do not let someone else decide the actions you need to take. Out of tragedy, find your inner BEAUTIFUL DISASTER and SOAR!

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July 05, 2018