I have debated writing my story for the blog for a while.  I fought with myself over it for reasons in the aspect that I didn’t want to steal my “sisters” thunder who already wrote her blog post and has gone through just as bad of ups and downs if not worse than me.  She is the one who got me started with BD which is an amazing brand.

 I am very seriously the one who is so set on not spending money on myself - I will go to the dollar store to buy socks.  I won’t eat lunch because I feel bad that I have lunch money and my boyfriend doesn’t.  When I finally purchase something for myself I regret it even when it is something I need but BD is different.  I thought it was just a cool clothing line my sis showed me then I joined the Facebook page and realized it was so much more, and you do so much with the profits to help others and its fantastic and something I am willing to spend money on.

Anyway, as I said I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. I was so afraid to make her feel like I was one upping her.  Then I realized she has never felt this way and we have always backed each other since the day she “adopted” me as the freshman adoptee as a senior in high school and she would not have showed me this if she didn’t think it would help me in some way.  So, I started getting more into it, still have not been able to purchase anything but I’m getting there the point is I can help others through talking and quotes and videos, so they don’t feel lost and soon I hope to do a free photo shoot for the tribe here in AZ to help them feel beautiful.

Any who, enough of why I am here.  I have already posted my long story on the page which was great I was finally able to speak out with out feeling judged.  Now I would like to go more in depth with the last few years and I think getting it out will help me move on some more and grow so here it is.

A few years ago, I was at a friend’s house and he started making comments about my ex husband how he is a piece of poop, ya know, and I stopped him to defend my ex-husband. He is a piece but its not on anyone else to say that.  My friend said well if he was such great guy why did you divorce him.  I thought for a moment and then said because when I met him he was a great guy you don’t know the story and truly you never will.

In 2011 I was in a not so great relationship of neglect, lies and cheating. I became a drunk, a “functional alcoholic.” I got up, I took care of my son, I went to work, I came home, I took care of my son, I went out, got drunk, went home checked on my son, went to bed and did it all over again every day for months.  During this time, I had lost my sister not any doing of her or mien but because of a relationship she was in. We were basically banned from talking or seeing each other and without having her support I lost it. 

January came around and I finally got the courage to pack my son and I up and leave.  With no were to go two coworkers offered their living room.   For the next few months my now ex-husband who I was now living with had became very close he was an amazing father to not only his son but mine he worked very hard to take care of us and in June we were married.  We had 9 months of bliss he supported my decision to go back to school, helped me with class work.  When I became pregnant we were ecstatic a child of our own. He was at every doctor’s appointment. When I got into a car accident he was the first one there.  When my appendix burst he rushed me to the hospital. He was working 2 jobs and when I was put on bed rest and had to quit my job there was no worries he handled everything.  He was truly amazing.

At the end of February 2013 our son wasn’t developing the way he should, so the doctors decided to induce.  Labor was not easy and the epidermal didn’t work. I stopped breathing quite a few times and our blood pressure dropped to very low levels a couple times. After 8 hours our son was born.  His name was Jace he had beautiful dark brown hair and golden eyes. He was only 4 lbs., but he was strong and healthy so we went home in three days.  I should have known something was wrong with in the first weeks he cried unless he was being held. I know babies cry but no he never stopped he was always eating but barley gaining any weight.  That’s when we got evicted from our apartment.  We moved in with my brother and sister in law who happened to be my older sons’, sister’s mom weird I know but we are the best of friends. It seemed like I was never home I was always at school and I didn’t want him becoming clingy, so I refused to hold him nonstop.  He would grow out of it.

May 3rd, we took him in for his check up - he was happy and healthy or as far as we knew his check up went great.  The morning of the 4th I woke up and fed him and set him in his poppy he was smiling and giggling, and I fell back asleep.  About 30 minutes later we were woken up to gurgling.  I screamed for my daddy because we stayed the night over there, and my mom did CPR until the medic got there.  They kept trying to bring him back all the way to the hospital.  I was the only one who rode with him and I can’t remember the ride.  I sat in the hospital holding him for what seemed like hours and the first person I called was my sister. Turns out he had some sort of rare sickness that in children that young don’t have major noticeable symptoms.  This is when everything changed.

My husband wanted to fill the void after losing our son so that's when the sexual abuse started.  I figured it wasn’t rape–I’m his wife this is my job.  Then the blame came not just from him, but I blamed myself if I had stayed up I could have stopped it.  That’s when he decided to move us away from home.  Away from my family, away from my friends.  I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone or go see anyone.  He made sure only one car ran and got mad when I bought a new one.  I wasn’t allowed to walk, or work or leave the house and I was pregnant.  I didn’t want this child.  With that being said, that little boy is my entire world, he is such a mama’s boy.  I didn’t make the same mistake with him, I held him all the time and still do now.  I ended up talking my doctor into having my tubes tied. I had almost died with all three of my children, so he agreed, and we told my husband it was medical reasons either we do it or I could die, so he agreed.  Looking back now I’m glad I did it because of him but it hurts now that I can't have a child with my boyfriend now.

After 2 years of this I had made a friend with another mom who had lost her child. I felt like I had a purpose. I was supposed to help her.  Shortly after meeting her we lost our house and we moved in with her and her husband where it just got worse.  She was better than me in every way he said.  Better mother, prettier.  I finally got the courage up to get a job and he was so mad at me nothing I could do was right.

I finally left.  It was hard, a single mom of 2 boys no job, living back at my parents, but I had a support system again which was everything. It has now been 6 years since my sons passing which is still hard.  I left him now 5 years ago and with the damage he did it took a long time to learn to live again.  A few more abusive relationships and moving around the state to find were I belonged.  Now 5 years later I am still learning but it is much easier.  I have my sister back full time, my friends and a great guy that deals with all my ups and downs. One day I will realize he doesn’t plan on leaving even though he refuses to marry me. We own an 80 acre ranch, I manage a 4x4 store and am back to school for business.  Things are working out.

As hard as it was to write this I truly do believe it helped.  I love having my little pack of friends and I love having the BD tribe.  This has been the most secure and safe I have felt in a long time and I can not wait to meet the few people I have met online through BD in person.  None of us judge each other and we all support each other it truly is amazing and means so much.  Thank you for creating this tribe.

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August 12, 2020