Jacki's Story: She Made Broken Look Beautiful
My name is Jacki, and I am a Beautiful Disaster!
I am 52 years old and have never related so much to a saying, and never could explain how I feel about myself until I discovered the Beautiful Disaster website.
I was born to a woman that blamed me for ruining her life, was taken from the state, and raised myself since I was 13 years old. Every relationship I have ever had has been abusive. Physically, mentally, sexually and/or emotionally abusive. I have risen from the “trash” I was always considered and have found love within myself, yet I still am and always will be my disastrous past. A past that has made me who I am today. I really am a Beautiful Disaster.
When I first saw Beautiful Disaster clothing I was drawn to “She made broken look beautiful, and strong look invincible. She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings.” I showed it to my other half and he immediately identified with it towards me as well. It was like it was written for me. I will try to make this next part short, but this is what makes me a Beautiful Disaster.
As I sit and think about my past, I genuinely believe that God kissed me the day I was born before anyone else did. I am so fortunate to be alive and the few people that have influenced me the most in my life had to have been sent from God.
I was born in the 60’s to a woman who was a junior in high school. I was the taboo child and was raised as such. My mother was a very insecure and narcistic woman who really had no right to be raising children. She married and had 1 more son naturally and adopted 7 more children, all boys, by a perverted pedophile who could do with me what he wanted including sharing me with his older children. The physical and emotional abuse were a daily happening until I went to school so savagely beaten one morning my eyes were nearly swollen shut.
The state stepped in and I was placed in a foster home. The menu was the same every day and what I did not finish for breakfast I ate for lunch and then for dinner. Spaghetti-o’s, what the treat. I eat nothing out of a can and the sight never mind the smell of them makes me physically ill.
I went to stay with an aunt and uncle in NY who had been trying to adopt for many years. A damaged and broken teenager was not all that they expected and I kind of got lost in the system. At 13 I was living on the streets in the Bronx.
I would mix it up between a bus station and the doorway of a storage shed used at my school to sleep. I was at the bus station for the 3rd night in a row and a very skinny colored man with these huge dreadlocks approached me and asked what I was doing. I remember gripping onto the socks I had in each of my jacket pockets like my life depended on it. Each of those socks held a roll of quarters and some jagged rocks. I told the man I was waiting for my father and he laughed and called me a liar. The man went on to hand me a small reading book and told me to never lie. Lies will destroy me inside far greater than any beating ever would. He told me that my word follows me wherever I go, and honesty will always have my back. It will set my mind free to be as honest as possible. He went on and told me that I should always treat people how I want to be treated. The rest of the world may never treat me that way. I will often be lied to, stolen from, called names, and judged but that is on them. I must always treat people, all people as I would want, and this will bring good energy back from the universe. He told me to always believe and have faith and walked away. The reading book he had given me was a children’s Book of Job from the Bible. I read that book over and over. I still have it! The pages are fading, and some are torn but that book helped keep me alive. It taught me that I was never alone and if I believe I will be rewarded with the same good things I put out there. This man was the first one I believe God brought into my path to guide me. This man taught me three of the most important rules to live by. I taught them to my children and now my grandchildren. I still live by these words and understand better every day what he meant.
As the years went on, I continued to stay in school. I would meet people that I worked with and travel to Auburn New York where I attended school for a year and then down to North Carolina where I graduated.
I had several relationships starting in my 20’s when I could choose who I wanted to be with. I have had 6 in my life total, and I am now 52. Everyone of them has been abusive. I got bet off in a poker game by my first husband and he brought the guy to collect. I ended up in the hospital that day I was beaten so bad. I was pawned of by an older Italian man in the mob. Had my neck broken by a drunk guy that I was with. Had a biker pawn me off to the people in his club. Was torn down verbally for many years.
I was an alcoholic, a cocaine addict and lived that life until I was 47. I never gave up on myself. I do not think God would let me. Inside I knew that I was worthy of love. I just never thought I would ever have it, so I learned to love myself. I got out of the abuse… I got clean and sober and attended counseling sometimes twice a week for almost 3 years.
I met a man one day at a friend’s house. This man was not anyone that I would normally be attracted to but somehow, he touched my soul. I could not get this man out of my mind. It was like God slapped me and said… look, that is the one. He was a heroin addict, skinny, no teeth, clothes hung off him. He was as sad as I had ever been. The last day I saw him I could feel his pain… His hurt, his despair. I knew he had given up on himself and wanted to die. I told him that I love him. No matter how messed up he was, this man was the most honest, sincere, caring individual I had ever known. I hugged him that day and said goodbye not knowing if I would ever see him again.
God had woken me up to understand that just going numb through life, even off drugs was not what was meant for me. On January 1, 2021, my phone rang, and a friend told me that Shawn was in prison. Took me all of two seconds to get on the computer and find him. I began writing and then phone calls. We have been writing and talking for 3 months. He is clean and getting the help he needs where he is. He is the most amazing person I have ever met, and I will marry him someday.
All my wounds, my trauma it still affects every aspect of my life and he helps me to deal with it. He has fallen in love with an amazingly broken woman and loves me with my pain, my hurt but mostly because I am honest and loyal. Because I do not lie. He loves me because I see the good in everyone and everything no matter how torn down, I have been.
This is why I am a Beautiful Disaster. I have survived things that I cannot even write about to this day. But I stand with other woman and men that struggle with addiction and abuse. I seek out the homeless and hurting and help guide them to shelters and domestic violence shelters. I will bring them food and clothing. I will sit for hours and listen to their stories and cry with them. I can feel their pain. I let each person know that they are worthy of good things no matter the bad they have done. Hookers, drug dealers, drug addicts and thugs. I do not judge, and I have helped to change lives the way mine was changed when I met Shawn.
I live each day gratefully. I wake up and am not frightened. I wake up thankful for the God that never gave up on me and I pray for those who hurt me. I pray for those who still suffer from addiction and disease. I pray that God will give everyone something to believe in so they can find their way back from hell as I did.
I proudly wear my Beautiful Disaster sweatshirts and full intend to purchase more. My newest is the “I am beautifully broken, perfectly imperfect. Beautiful in my flaws. All together I am a Beautiful Disaster.” Someday I am going to be able to hand out the Beautiful Disaster clothing to other woman and someday men who have no idea that their flaws are what makes them beautiful and unique, and they also are Beautiful Disasters.
If you change the way you look at things,
the things you look at change
- Wayne Dyer