My biological father has never been an up standing father. He was in and out of my life throughout childhood and early adult life as well. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. He went from one addiction to the next, and was a physical and mental abuser to his spouses or relationships.. never to his children.. He was more of "unparent" and friend.. I wish he was more in my life and would have been more stand up Dad. Just maybe if he was, then maybe things would have gone differently and he could've protected me when I needed.. I grew up always wanting him to stand up. I end up blaming myself for him not being there and that anger sat within me and pain poured out.. He made feel like he didn't want me.. As if their was something wrong with me.. I'd carry that with me throughout my childhood. I was 2 when my parents divorced and I was 4 when my sibling was born, and that relationship wasn't even any better. He seemed nice fellow, yet being young, I was hoping he'd be the dad I didn't have and that wasn't the case at all. He sexually abused me.. at a young age.. I fell into depression really bad throughout teen years and was acting out and getting into trouble. I was staying out late hanging out with friends. My mom and him dated off and on and finally ended things together and some how I pushed myself through the hell of it all with no counseling, no one in my corner. I eventually learned to let depression, anger, pain and the guilt go as an adult.. I had completely shut my father out.. he had brought out the anxiety and panic attacks in me, so I just gave up trying to have that father and daughter relationship.. I felt as adult, I don't need a father in my life as I never had one anyways. My sibling's Dad went to prison later in life after hurting another child. I felt the guilt of that, thinking if I had just pressed the charges that maybe I could have saved that child. I felt I had lot on my shoulders and it was just me in my corner until that moment. That's when I was believed of what I went through.. 
I have great relationship with my mom and siblings.. we made our peace of things.. I have say that my mom had me at 16. She was a young mother and tried her best for what she had, and she had also gone through so much in her life as well. I have my life, I am married, no kids, that was God's choice and was something I have overcome within myself long long time ago.. I am a fur mom and the best Aunt and Great Aunt now..
I have fallen many times and always got back up and dusted myself back off as many times as needed too and kept moving forward. I can say I made it through by myself, so I inspired myself for never giving up even when I wanted too or  when everyone gave up on me.. I beat the odds and with that I am proud of myself.. I am still here, fighting strong..
Which collection of Beautiful Disaster do I relate to? All truly... My favorites is Phoenix.. because Always Rising Above As Many Times Needing Too is relevant to me. In my life, I have learned the hard way every time and always has myself back no matter what.. I am a good person and don't let my past define me, but i keep striking above it all.. I came across your clothing and tribe and it has helped me so much. Just to know that not the only person who has had short end of the stick in life and helps to know I'm doing something right.

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March 31, 2022