I always felt ugly, but not anymore – I'm a diamond in the rough. Never judge a book by its cover. Most of the time i feel like one of the bony skulls on your clothing but add a bow and some earrings and voila! Beautiful!
I became a beautiful disaster when I was a teenager of course many of us do party, drink and do drugs. When I found out I was pregnant with my first son I sobered up that day and stayed sober for many years. Then I got pregnant with my daughter. I had to take fertility pills with her. Then my 3rd daughter came around then my marriage went down the tubes. Then thats when I started partying again drinking all the time. Thats when the trouble started.
I met my kids stepdad and he was into drugs which I didn't know and a hardcore alcoholic. Eventually he started me back on drugs anything and everything. I left my kids with my mom and started sleeping in our car. That was the lowest I've ever been and I always kept saying "never me". I now know to never ever say that.
I sobered up. No drugs or alcohol. Clean again for many years until 2 1/2 years ago my youngest daughter Allison Renee committed suicide. I found her in the garage she had hung herself. She had just moved back home with me, I helped her pack her things and load the car even her kitty "princess". Allie was always sweet and a very caring girl, she would give you the shirt off her back. But she was also very good about hiding her feelings. She had recently miscarried and on top of that she had found out her boyfriend was cheating on her. It was to painful for Allie and myself. That day I lost a grandchild a daughter. A mini me and my best friend. Thats when I relapsed but this time it was prescription meds. Everything that would keep me numb and sleeping for awhile. I stayed that way. It was my way of coping.
I lost my son, my granddaughter, my daughter and the rest of my family. I was alone. I tried ending my life a few times but I always woke up. I guess god said I wasn't ready. He had other plans for me ( i thought it was for torture i dont know).
I got baptized, went to church and sobered up one last time. My son and daughter came back to me. My sister, niece and all my nephews are all back in my life. Its been 13 months now clean and sober. Life hurts, it really hurts so much. I'm not numb anymore, I don't take all those meds anymore. I finally mourn the loss of my daughter, sober. Now I catch myself crying a lot more then being numb and thats exactly what I needed. I love my family so much for being there when I needed them to help me get sober and help me and also my granddaughter. Now she's my mini-me just like her auntie.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity to tell my story. You can put my name in it I'm not hiding or ashamed -- I'm proud of my life.
Brenda Meier

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August 17, 2018