TW: Abuse & Assault

Hello, my name is Ashley and what makes me a Beautiful Disaster? I ask that myself, even though I call myself that. I've been through a lot in my childhood & teen years.

Why do I identify with the Beautiful Disaster brand? Because I know there's other women that are my age that have shown me to be brave and not ashamed of my past.

What has my life been like for me? Wow, where do I begin? My life of neglect, abandonment, child abuse, and rape. My father abused me and my brothers, and my mother enabled it. Only time does she seem to care is if there was bruises on us, or blood, or DCF being called. The lies, so we don't have to get separated. I have had my face slammed into a dinner table and thrown out of a chair till I peed myself. Thrown around like a rag doll, almost got my neck broken by the man that was supposed to love his little girl. I was frightened, terrified of that man. He didn't just physically abuse me, but there was verbal abuse as well, and abuse is abuse. It's not everyday you feel trapped and stuck because you can't leave because you're not of age yet.

Everything was my fault, I couldn't do anything right I wasn't good enough. I was called a retard, stupid, a dummy, (but I made A's and B's all through elementary middle and high school). I'm not worthy of love and the physical abuse didn't stop until I turned 18 because that's when I was able to stand up for myself and fight back. At 19 years old, I was a senior in high school and I was raped by my boyfriend. He got me drunk off of the liquor e&j. According to my husband and our friends that he called up, his 10 buddies gangbanged me. I also found out that a 12-year-old boy lost his virginity as he was bragging. I never told anybody because I felt ashamed. I put the past in the past to move on. I lost all of my friends in school I was called a hoe and that wasn't the case. To turn it all around, I got my boyfriend at the time thrown in jail for rape, along with his buddies. I even moved out of my parent's house because I didn't want the abuse to continue.

My life now is getting brighter. I've been seeing a counselor to heal my inner child & inner teen from past trauma. I don't get a hypnosis, but I get something like meditating. I'm still aware of what's going on around me. It's been helping me a lot and I feel a big difference.

What's my favorite item from Beautiful Disaster? The Phoenix IV leggings and the tank top. The fire inside me burns brighter than the fire around me. Why do I love this? It's because I am also a lot like the Phoenix. I rose from the ashes and I too will rise, returning from the flames clothed, in nothing but my strength more beautiful than ever before. With the Phoenix you have (death) the inner child, inner teen that was abused & raped died, then comes (transformation), inner healing finding peace & love. Then, after all is said & done I'm born again (rebirth) I rise out the ashes into something more beautiful than ever. 

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October 06, 2022