We all go through struggles, some hide it better than others. As a mom, I know I fake my smile on hard days since my husband passed. I wish I could say it gets easier, but I'm still trying to find the silver lining in my own situation. Since I was little, my life has been a disaster. My parents split when I was three.

When I was six, I almost died from being mauled by two Rottweilers for a significant amount of time. I was raped by a cousin when I was twelve and still have not had the courage to share that with my family. He’s currently in prison for doing it to someone else. If I had just spoken up, it wouldn't have happened to someone else.

I found my middle school love in 2018 at a birthday party. He helped me fight and beat a demon with opiates. But, then on Thanksgiving 2019, the love of my life, my husband, my children’s “step father” committed suicide on Thanksgiving Day. Just a few days after his 30th birthday and our son just turned 13. He shot himself in our living room just a step in front of me. The mental health battle I’m fighting is worse than my addiction ever was. PTSD is real. I feel it every single day.

Why him? If anyone had to go why him? Why not me? Did I do something wrong? Could I have changed something if i had known what he was battling? Why did he feel he had to be so strong and couldn’t fight through it with me and our babies? The police investigated my husbands death for three months and ended up ruling it as an accident. Everyone has questioned how it was an accident and if I was there how I didn't get arrested for possibly killing him. I fight with this every day in the small rural area we grew up in. They all say “he would never have done that to his kids, he was stronger than that”. His mother was his next of kin since we were only common law married and to this day has not had a funeral for my husband. I cant comprehend this.

How do I grieve and feel he is at peace? On top of it all, when we were teenagers, he made the comment and called me his angel of disaster. Beautiful Disaster, angel of disaster, both sound about right. The Beautiful Disaster brand is absolutely amazing. Ever morning I get up and get ready for the day, those words “Beautiful Disaster” bring a bit of strength. My favorite sweatshirt is the “Hating Me Wont Make You Pretty”. 

I found this brand on Facebook. I did a little digging to make sure it was legitimate (so many fakes) and fell in love. For a long time it felt like life had just been kicking my ass day in and day out. At first when I checked out the brand, there wasn’t much clothing and my excitement was off the charts. I thought maybe it was just a small business just starting out. I'm so happy to see your business thriving. If I had the funds, I'd probably own everything!

I absolutely love my wallet! Its so well made and beautiful, everyone asks about the maker. As far as clothing goes, my favorite is the gray “Hating Me Won't Make You Pretty” hoodie.

I've been picked on and taunted all my life because of my scars, but they are a part of who i am. I am a strong independent woman and I want to let the world know!

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February 04, 2022