Being the baby of 10 children of Mexican parents is not that glamorous. Yes, I was spoiled and loved, however, I was also the one who got forgotten. My mother is always criticizing everything I did or not do. Everything I did was never right or not enough for her. My father was always working or out with his girlfriend. That is right my father had a girlfriend while still married to my mother. Feeling alone and unseen in a big family is the worst.  I got married at 20 and I became a mother to 3 boys by the time I was 23. My husband belittled me verbally and physically abused me for 18 years.

In 2011, I was introduced to a highly addicting substance. It became part of my life for 8 years. After being free from it for two in a half years, my husband of 22 years decided he deserved better and moved out. He ended up with a woman who once said she was my friend. He felt like I didn’t deserve an explanation to his choice including that he decided to file for divorce.  After I find out and asking him about it, he decided that he was going to allow her to tell me.

The words she used pushed me over the edge and I ended up in a hospital for suicidal thoughts. I felt like I had failed at life and let my boys down for not being able to keep their father. I failed my family because I was the only one who was getting a divorced because my husband decided to get with someone else. In the matter of 10 months, not only did my husband leave, but my father died of Covid. He had become my hero and biggest supporter. My mother who had already suffered from a stroke developed dementia and she forgets who I am.

Soon after coming out of the hospital, I tried to get myself back together for my boys. I moved to a different neighborhood I quit my job and I got a make over. However every time things seem to be falling into place something went wrong. For some reason my husband decided he was going to hold onto the divorce papers and not file them just yet. Even after I gave him the money to file. He didn’t file and kept the money because he found out I was not going to date until I was divorced. Since that would be cheating. I begged him to please go file and not make me do it. Feeling stuck I ended up going against my believes and filed myself. He allowed her to be part of his divorce and she notarized his part of the papers. I recently found out he lied that they had broken up and they were just friends and she was doing him a favor. Seeing the stamp with her name on it gave me a feeling  that I would never want to feel again. That on top of the pain I felt when I filed the papers made me a little manic and I started self harming again after not doing it for 5 years. On top of other dangerous behaviors.

Soon after the divorce, I met someone who I thought was a wonderful man who turn out to be just like him, manipulating verbally abusive and he also decided to put his hands on me. The last time he did it, something clicked with me and I decided to start making my mind and spirit strong. I saw a girl wearing pink flannel with the words Beautiful Disaster on it. That was my name at one point. I asked her where she got it and she told me about your website. See the item brought up a powerful feeling that I can do anything I set my mind to. I bought a lot of self help workbooks, started going to church again and I got a therapist and a psych doctor. I was put on three different medications for my bipolar anxiety and PTSD. One of them ended up giving me ticks that made me acted a little funny. It made people think I was using again. With all the comments and everything else going on, I decided to go back out and use again after being free from it for 3 years. Didn’t take long for me to realize it was a mistake and started my recovery program again. 

I have been free for 10 months and I am slowly finding myself again. My confidence, self-awareness, and motivation to be a better person have gotten better. I am currently doing my internship to become a recovering coach while working at a family own AC company. I also was able to start buying items for your website. I started off with a cap a t shirt and a sticker for my car. And just when I wasn’t looking and I had excepted that I was alone and that I may never find someone I receive a message someone asking me out. Something within me decided to say yes. He made be one of the few last gentlemen because he wanted to take things slow and treats me with respect. He is everything I always wanted and more than I feel I deserve. I’ve been able to add to my Beautiful Disaster collection slowly. Unbreakable and Fire Within. With the support of my boyfriend and the support of my recovery program I have learned my value. I am at peace and I am the happiest I’ve ever been in years. With my chains gone I have become this amazing perfectly imperfect, beautifully broken Beautiful Disaster woman. And NOW it’s time to take over the…….. squirrel. (I also have ADHD)


Carebear said:

I’m so moved and empowered by your story, I too have done gone through the depths of hell and led me in the crutches of 15years active addiction. . Aka self medicating from ALLL the traumas. Proud to say I’ve come out the other side, 3years 3 month clean! And I too, am about to finish my RCP designation! We’re going to help so many fellow addicts and THEN some, all cuz we Beautiful Disasters, inside and out xX
I’m so proud of you girl. thank you for your vulnerability & sharing your arduous, yet enlightening journey with us. It truly touched me.

HollyWood said:

I can identify with you in more areas then one! Your story is eerily similar to mine. So I’m pretty sure I can understand and relate to your thoughts at that time, and the feelings that still exsist now. Just know that your doing great and your in my thoughts, so I’m cheering for you ALL THE WAY!! And I BELIEVE in you!

Bean said:

You got this!! I promise if you keep your head up you’ll be fine❤️

Tammy said:

The person in the mirror is the most important person in your life. They say the eyes are your window to your soul.
Keep listening and learni g about that woman(in the mirror) because she is a treasure. Strong, resilient, humble, and all together a Beautiful Disaster

Chelle said:

Your an amazing woman keep moving forward with your new life journey 🙏

Stephanie said:

Congratulations on finding yourself again. Keep up the good work.

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August 04, 2023