First off I want to say this line of clothing is amazing! It is literally me haha, but here is my story to why I’m a Beautiful Disaster...
As a kid I had to watch my mother get beaten by her husband at the time. In the middle of the night when my younger siblings and I were sleeping I’d wake up to the screaming of my mother in pain. I’d always jump up and stop him by interrupting what he was doing to her at the time.. In a way at that time I felt like I was rescuing her. As time went on he got worse including putting a shotgun in her mouth. He was evil. One time I had upset him by not eating cream of wheat so he poured it in my head and had me walk to school. Once I was just getting to the school when he picked me up, took me home and stuck me in the cold shower with clothes and all.
In my preteen/teen years my mother had left him but came back after some more bad men in her life, whom also ruined me. I was no longer “pure." One of the bad men also got a hold of me. Growing up in the house back with my siblings' father was again horrible because he was still him and she turned to alcohol. That’s when I made the decision of never wanting to be addicted to anything and an alcoholic would never happen to me. I’d stay up late and wait for her to come home and have to help her up the stairs, help change her sometimes hold her hair while she would get sick and listen to her cry. On the really bad nights I’d just stay awake and make sure she didn’t have alcohol poisoning or was going to vomit in her sleep. She left him for good finally and by this time I was around 13-14 years old. But I’ll never forget the words that came out of his mouth; "You'll never amount to anything in life.” Those stuck with me and still do..
More into high school, it was my first homecoming and I’ll never forget it. It was the night I was raped again and came home to find out a close friend of ours had shot himself in the head in the front of our house. Worst homecoming ever. Later on, about 8 weeks or so, we found out I was pregnant. That was awful - I had gotten pregnant by the monster who raped me. My mother scheduled an abortion immediately and I’ll just say worst experience ever. That will forever be in my head.
More time had passed and I moved away to my father's where things were a little more normal. I had great friends and some pretty awesome roommates as a young adult. But what I never planned on was following my mother’s footsteps, I always said I wouldn’t be like her. But it happened.. I am a mother of 3 boys, but have only 2. My middle child I haven’t seen or heard from for about 10 years now. I’ve tried and tried to make contact but that man is a monster! I have faith as he gets older he will come looking for me and I’m sure my ex in-law will make sure that happens.
Well I’m 31 now and have had 3 horrible and abusive marriages one after another, each getting worse as I went. I’m going through a divorce as we speak - it was to a police officer, who I was suppose to be feel safe and protected by. That wasn’t the case. He cheated multiple times and when I’d try to leave he’d sucker me back in. As time went on he got more intense. That’s when the gun came into play, or he’d take away all my things like phone, license, keys, lock me in a bathroom... I’ve left for good and never plan on looking back.
It’s 4am right now and I couldn’t feel more free than I am today. Yes, I’m struggling financially and sometimes mentally and emotionally, but I’m not giving in and I’m not giving up. I’m going to make it to where my boys and I will never have anything taken away from us again. No man will ever control me again! Too much has happened in my life and I’m still here still standing. If you were to ask anyone about me, they’d say that I’m always optimistic, extremely kind and loving. I see good in everyone and I’ll do anything for anyone. Even though I’ve seen and gone through a lot of ugliness I refuse to believe that everyone is like this. I still believe in love (hopeless romantic) but I’ll never get married again. I need to show my boys what strong looks like and see what it takes to do things like moving forward and rebuilding our life one step at a time.
This is my story and this is why I think I’m a beautiful disaster. Thank you for taking the time to read this.