I wrote this letter to you. Please share it with anyone you think could benefit from it and remember - we don't choose the cards but we do have the power to #unchoose
Jan Ockunzzi —
April 17 2020
Thank you for your letter. I know for me it represents a lifetime of fear, pain, abuse & self-loathing.
It’s taken until now, in my 50’s to come to terms with many things in my life and realize that while my behavior & reactions to certain persons & events weren’t the correct way to handle or respond, I also now realize I wasn’t crazy. I reacted the only way I knew how coming from a household with two volatile & abusive parents. Plus, a sexual predator living in the same house, an older sibling. That went on for 7-8 yrs right under their noses, the last couple yrs were after they divorced. So growing up in a family where I was regularly beaten for some of the most miniscule things, & even if not, there are other ways to handle issues with your child besides beating them with a belt all over their body hard enough to leave bruises for weeks. I was given bloody noses, claw marks, I have very curly hair & about 6-7, out of frustration brushing my hair, she bashed me in the head with the hair brush where it broke in two & the top half flipped across the living room. After that, SHE decided she didn’t want to be bothered with dealing with my hair any more & forced me to get a pixie cut. It destroyed me. The sibling that was abusing me was a bully to me, always had been until the sexual abuse started. That person was only nice to me during the “episodes”. That’s very confusing to a little girl. First, you know it’s not right, but you also know you have no choice.
My father was a monster. When he came home from work in the evenings, I remember disappearing, like to my room. He was a terrifying man. You stayed out of his way because you never knew what kind of mood he was in & if he was in a bad mood, it could lead to a beating.
By the time my parents were divorcing in ‘77, they both were living as if they had no kids. We resided with my Mom, but she was gone all the time & that put my abuser in charge. I was at his mercy. She was working in a grocery store, dating and when she came home, she might be in a bad mood, our financial situation was bad, so she was always angry….guess who she took her anger out on? That’s right, me. Maybe because I was the girl, Idk. But I couldn’t get away from abuse.
Growing up, a child is suppose to feel most safe at home with their family, isn’t that an unspoken rule? I never felt safe growing up. Everything about my personal being, self-esteem, self-worth had been denied me, taken away from me, shredded as if I had no right & didn’t deserve to have a voice. I spoke, I was slapped so hard my ears would ring. I wasn’t taught to respect, I was taught fear. I was so controlled, by the time I was 18-19, I didn’t know how to make a decision. Then I selected an abusive, controlling boyfriend he was a criminal and nearly killed me when I didn’t comply…..beat, choked & even put a loaded, cocked gun to my forehead once….he was going to make me do what he said.
I haven’t talked about some of these things in many years. I could write a book. See what happens when you have no self-worth, you pick a partner whose going to give you just what you know. Then we went to jail. Remember I said he was a criminal, he was, he & his brothers made crime their life. I was so immature & naive, I had no clue what they were doing.
It wasn’t for several more months before I understood how bad my situation truly was.
I’m tired of writing for the night. But there is more, so much more….I have nearly died a couple times, once in 2004 from a virus that put me in a coma for 3 wks & the doctors were preparing my family for my passing since my organs were failing. My 2nd marriage at 37 the fight to have a baby with multiple miscarriages & an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured resulting in an emergency surgery. Then in late Sept 2012, my husband was diagnosed with Large Diffused B Cell Lymphoma…..there’s more and some is extremely heartbreaking. As crushing as it is and as sad as it’s been, some lights have shown through, realizations about myself and others, learning to tell who is real & who is not.
I would rather spend everyday of my life alone than with those who are wearing masks, because when I look in the mirror, there is no mask, only a beautiful disaster.
April 8 2020
…reading other people’s feelings amd stories will help le find the point again.
I am struggling to see the point. I was sexually abused by my stepfather for years, my relationship with my mom was in the tank when she suddenly passed, and I currently am in the court process of trying to get him convicted. I cannot get a grasp on my panic attacks and people around me dont have a clue as to what it takes to open my eyes every single day, and to finish out that day. I recently came across your website, I ordered immediately, and hope that through this, reading other people’s
Rocquel Sanders —
April 7 2020
Sorry, hit the submit button…. Now post 3…
I feel like I have lived my whole life with a tremendous amount of loss and heartache, a lot of craziness over the years, just never ending sadness. I could write several books, and I swear, you just can’t make this shit up. And I have story after story, as do many of us. I read a lit of the stories here, and my heart goes out, and sometimes I can totally relate. I want to say Thank you to the Original Beautiful Disaster for giving all of us a place to go so we can see that we are not alone, that there are manh of us our there going thru the same things. I believe most of us in this tribe load all this up on our backs and stand tall, put a smile on our face, and battle alone. That’s just what warriors do. I’m very proud to wear this brand and I do not hesitate to tell anyone that asks what Beautiful Disaster is about. You have created a wonderful community for some to just get some things ga off our chests. I think this is an awesome platform for women from many different walks and many different situations, that in a way, we can all relate. We are Strong women, we are proud women, we are lost women, we are broke n women, but we are not alone! We are all just Beautiful Disaster’s! Perfectly imperfect each in our own way ….. 💜
He was an abusive alcoholic. She just could not stay in a relationship like that. She had already had enough pain. I have memories from about age 3 on. I had a pretty good childhood, I wasn’t abused or anything, although as I started to get older, after we moved from Indiana to Florida, i started to gain weight, and from then on, I have always had issues. My weight was always up and down, so i was teased and bullied a lot throughout school, So that was traumatizing. But I have always been very curious to know if my Mother being depressed while pregnant with me, had anything to do with myself being a depressive personality for as long as I can remember. I have been diagnosed as bipolar with manic depression. Once I was diagnosed at about 17 years old, then the Drs started to try many different medications, none really worked, either than they made me sleep or made me feel like a zombie. So talking with my mother at about 19, I had made the decision that I didn’t want to be medicated, that I had to figure out how to deal with it on my own. I’ve done pretty well over the years, maintaining some sense of sanity and “normalcy” but faltering a few times, ending up self medicating, and having some issues with drugs. I’ve gotten carried away with the partying but always manage to pull myself back. I went to rehab after my first experience with becoming a drug addict after my mother passed away when I was 24. Since then, I have fallen off the wagon 2 or 3 more times, but put my knowledge I learned in treatment back into play. Because honestly, the only way to stop is within the addict. You have to decide to be sober no one else can do that for you. I’ve been a stay at home Mom for the last 22 years, I have an Amazing husband and 3 wonderful children. They have always supported me in my decision to not medicate and in not going into a rehab. I have had great support from my family and I can’t thank them enough. I feel like I have lived my life with a lot if loss and heartache. A lot of bad luck, a craziness
We all have our stories, We all battle our own Demons, Its nice to know that we are not alone, even though many of us feel as if we are. Just as many of us keep our bullshit to ourselves and battle through each day, holding it all inside, grasping for anything to help ourselves get thru it all. I myself have traveled a long and bumpy road. It’s been such a incredible journey, both thru the Ups and the Downs. There isn’t a time in my 44 years on this earth, that I can’t say I wasn’t depressed, even as a small child. Many say I took on my Mothers troubled life and lived her pain as well. She was a teen mother, having been sexually abused by her father, she ended up pregnant at 15, married very young, and widowed young with 2 small children and pregnant with her 3rd child. Then about 3 years later, the daughter she had been pregnant with, my sister Kasey Rae, was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, a form of cancer. Sadly, Kasey passed away a few months before her 4th birthday. At that time my mother had started a relationship with my father, my Grandmother was the one who found the lumps in her legs. She remarried my father and I was born in 1975. They separated and divorced by the time I was 2, he was an abusive
Heather Arseneau —
April 3 2020
I wasn’t done with mine I don’t know if there is. Writing limit or what but to sum it up my sis wanted nothing more than her little sis to b ok and to survive th is he’ll I lived in every day and the pain it caused my life using my father is so verbally mentally abusive my whole life to me to this day and I’m 39 that I can never do good enough or the right thing or breath right that’s how bad he is to me that is just a way log giving u something we all do breath and he will hate me foe it probably cause that makes me alive still. He never fucked with Athena cause she hid her face in a boom when he was home from work but I am deffinatly his kicking/punching bag I would rather b hit than the words and names that never go away from me. Athena promised me ahe would never leave me never leave me alone in this life with him cause it still hasn’t stopped and she did but more importantly she left her 3 beautiful kids with no dad he died of an overdose 13 years before she killed herself. My nephew my sweet handsome nephew and my 2 beautiful amazing neices have to go through this again this time they are not 5&2yrs old. Ok back on track been a very heavy addict for many years so everyone thought when I say everyone I mean that the whole fucking town family friends that this wasn’t going to b good for Heather (me ) I didn’t know how I was going to b I still am lost without her but I’m not tthe person I was I never went downhill when she died I went up hill with. Couple bumps on the way a nite here or there count on one hand but no more I have been clean about a year but did fall a couple times during that year but back right up. I love what your clothes represent not just addiction but abuse been there my life my fucked up bipolar chemically imbalanced head but I have a goal in my life that I am so strong about in the next couple years starting back at college this fall am going for my bachelor degree n becoming a substance abuse counselor cause I know that I’m very intelligent about things needed for addicts I’ve been inpatient help before and want to save a boy or girls life that knows I will always b here night or day to talk to cry to confide in they are not alone. I Heather Arseneau once an active addict is going to save lives yes I am!! Thanks for the meaning of your clothing and proud to b part of the tribe and have had others approach me about my clothes and they have been and bought from u guys also cause of what u stand guys at and for and represent for all women of all walks of life to come together ans know we are not alone just open ur heart and eyes and see that we are here on this earth for a reason and it’s better than where we have been done or trying to get away from
I wrote this privately before but I’m am addict and a mother and a survivor because of those 2 boys and that is a fact cause I could write a book about my life. No I have never been to jail no never been busted or with anyone who has been busted idk how but I deffinatly have tested my fate way to many times that I had to quit or my lick was going to run out it had to cause I never and still don’t know y I’m still here and my kids are my blessing but also I lost my blessing of my life since I was born my bestest friend my mother but not my father but not my everything my other half my only one who cared about me so much more than my parents who I was just a junkie to them and didn’t ever care about me or my heart I am proud to call my older sister. She was not an addict not an alcoholic she was full of sunshine a single mother of 3 hard worker graduated from nursing school was going to graduate to become a psychologist to help people to listen to others and help she was writing a book avid reader a lot going for her but august 31 2018 at 11pm I got a call from my mom saying Athena committed suicide she hung herself. For 2 people that talked laughed and cried to each other every day EVERY day and before ahe moved an he and half away had all 5 kids and us together EVERY day. Of course everyone was looking at the junkie myself wondering y Athena not me my dad screamed that at me in front of family that came up for her funeral that I am nothing should of been me and he will stomp on my grave and never care of would b a great thing. I wAlked down the street and sat on a corner and needed up sleeping I was high of course how could o go through
April 3 2020
Your story touches my heart I’m a new beautiful disaster sister I’ve been following them for months but didn’t have money to order and finally got my taxes back and was so excited and bought 3 outfits plus accessories lol. But to my point I suffer with a lot of mental health issues steaming from my children being taken from me because I was in an abusive relationship and scared if I left he would find me and kill me, years later I see how rediculous that seems but I also know how real that fear is for many women I ended up involved in drugs and heavy drinking to numb the pain now 18 year later and I can finally say I’ve been clean 10 months April 21st/20 and sober off alcohol for 3 months the alcohol was the hardest one cause it was legal and I could take it everywhere and everyone did it all my kids were legal age to drink for the past few years I had no need to give it up until my grandson was born and I realized my daughter was repeating my cycle it scares the hell outa me I became my dad now she became me so I had to show her life’s still good sober so thank you to all you beautiful disaster sisters for taking time to being here for each other your all strong and amazing ❤️
Brenda Meier —
April 1 2020
I’ve been with beautiful disaster for 4 1/2 yrs since my daughter died by suicide. Now my other daughter is in prison and my grandkids are in foster care
I’ve survived suicide myself got into drugs been in jail. I’m mentally exhausted but I’m still waking up each day and put on one of my many beautiful disaster clothes. Take it 1 day at a time my beautiful disaster sisters. I love you all
March 29 2020
Your story has my crying. As a survivor of mental, emotional, and verbal abuse I am finally looking at my self as a beautiful person. Yes we all have our own demons some worse than others but I’m so glad to have found this tribe of beautifully broken, perfectly imperfect beautiful disasters.
Darlene Umbel —
March 26 2020
When you’re used to fighting for things, it is sometimes hard to just trust and let go. Once you do, the freedom it gives your entire being. We are all strong in different ways, embrace it, love it, and warrior on…
Susan Pennypacker —
March 26 2020
Damn girl! You’ve got me sobbing this morning! So beautifully said. I’m a survivor of sexual abuse as a child. Emotional abuse as an adult. Self abuse my whole life.
I now work to help others overcome hands they were dealt & hands misplayed. My pain forged who I am & gives me the ability to see the beauty of being broken and rebuilding myself. I know so many women and girls that could benefit from wearing your brand. Thank you for acknowledging the struggle and the amazing strength that comes from rising from the ashes…..