Erika Guillen: A Beautiful Disaster's Letter Written To Her Abuser
You pretended to be my friend.
You literally took a wrecking ball to my life. When I look back, I realize you knew exactly what you were doing. You pretended to be my friend to lure me into a false sense of security. When I was at a point in my life that all I could see was darkness you gave me a fake glimmer of light. You were my shoulder to cry on. I trusted you with my deepest secret and you used it to abuse me.
When I look back I see you so differently. And I see myself so differently too. I was in pain. I hated myself and you pretended to love me. In a short period of time I felt like I would never cope without you. You made me believe this too.
Instead of helping me through my dark time you used it to chip away at me. In every single way. You made me feel ugly inside and out. You told me I was useless. You told me I was stupid. You told me nobody else would ever want me. You made me believe this.
Somebody that loves you will build you up, not knock you down.
I lost who I was. I was your version of me. The version you needed me to be so you could control and manipulate me.
I got so ill I couldn’t see a way forward. I had nowhere to turn and you knew how much I was hurting. You then pretended to be surprised, pretended to be unaware of my pain and again fooled me into thinking it was all my fault and that you were the good guy who was my rock. You just added this experience to the list of things you would use against me and abuse me with.
At times I wished you would lift your fist to me. I used to think bruises on the flesh would heal faster then the wounds you put on my heart and soul. But none of it would ever be acceptable.
I tried to get away from you. I did things to try and make sure we could never get back together. But you always got to me and I always ended up back there. Time after time.
Nobody could understand how I kept getting back with you. How could they possibly understand, they didn’t understand the extent of the damage you had done. My spirit was broken.
You had this way of always making me believe what you said. When you called me names and made me feel worthless I listened to it. I believed all of it. When you’d later say sorry for the things you did I listened to that too. I was so caught up in the cycle of abuse I couldn’t see reality anymore.
I stopped telling my friends and family anything that went on. I was too ashamed. I had no idea what was normal anymore.
Then I found out I was expecting a baby with you. I was overcome with emotions. I’d always wanted to have a baby with you. I believed you when you told me it would all be OK. If it had been up to you I wouldn’t be OK now.
After the birth of our son gave me the ability to find a strength that was buried deep down inside me. I had to change for him and Aylin. I never wanted to he a single mother but it was for the best. You lost your power over me the day I ended this relationship but it didn’t stop you trying to control me. You tried many different angles. Verbal, emotional, financial abuse and even blackmail.
Even when you had moved on and met the girl you still spent time and energy trying to destroy me.
You destroyed the relationship with Aylin. She should have idolized you but you failed her. At 12 years old she could see you for the bully you are. I never bad mouthed you. In fact I made excuse after excuse for you hoping out she would hurt less.
I stayed single not because nobody wanted me as you liked me to believe but because I was cleaning up your mess. I was being Mom and Dad, I was trying to heal myself from your years of abuse and I was working really hard to provide a beautiful life for our son and my daughter. Everything they have is down to me. Your last bit of control you thought you had over me was financial and to be brutally honest you’re welcome to keep your money. We do great without your help.